You Are Beautiful, Day 29

You are Beautiful Post, Day 29 -- Mirror, Mirror.

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, Have I got it?

'Cause Mirror you've always told me who I am

I'm finding it's not easy to be perfect

So sorry you won't define me

Sorry you don't own me*

- Barlow Girl

Our society as a whole is saturated with this concept of beauty and how to improve what we see in the mirror. From shows like Next Top Model to the line of late night infomercials promoting Genie Bras and other similar products, it seems like everywhere I turn, I'm confronted with ways to make myself prettier, slimmer, more attractive. All battering away at my already chipped self-esteem.

Working retail has just brought this issue to my attention even more. Not only are teens and women dealing with this, but I'm watching it trickle down to affect little girls now. My store sells clothing for young girls that I would never dress a future child of mine in. One shoulder tops, bikinis, low rider jeans. It's one thing for a teenager or adult to wear these, but to dress a child as young as 5 or 6 in them?

If beauty is really in the eye of the beholder and that beholder is society, I, for one, am butt ugly.

Who are you to tell me

That I'm less than what I should be?

Who are you? Who are you?

I don't need to listen

To the list of things I should do

I won't try, I won't try*

Butt ugly? Why do I say that? Well physically, I'm about 100-110 lbs overweight, I'm covered in scars from head to toe, my hair is frizz central, and the list goes on.

Growing up, my issues with beauty started when I was about 11. That's when the early bloomers in my class started to develop, and the general focus shifted from having fun and playing, to gossiping and primping. Even at home I wasn't spared. I inherited my dad's large bone structure and as such I'll never be a size 2. Combine that with a weight problem and you've got one miserable preteen. My grandparents constantly criticized me, saying if I'd only put more of an effort into my looks, I could lose the weight. I tried everything, eating right, exercising, slim-fast. My weight yo-yoed up and down for most of my teen years.

And every time the scale moved up there came more criticism, and it was harsher each time. My appetite for food in general soured, and the pain and feelings of worthlessness increased. I stopped eating regularly; instead I'd have one meal, maybe two, just enough to keep my parents and grandparents from freaking out. But it didn't seem to help and I only hurt more. I started cutting to deal with the pain. Of course seeing the scars left behind only made it worse and I'd cut more. It was a vicious cycle and it always left me feeling like I'd never be pretty enough, never be good enough, never BE enough. This downward slide eventually led to a week long stay in a nearby psychiatric hospital, a diagnosis of severe depression, and intensive therapy and treatment.

Mirror I am seeing a new reflection

I'm looking into the eyes

of He who made me

And to Him I have beauty beyond compare

I know He defines me*

Ten years later, I am proud to report that I am happier and healthier. My depression is finally on the way to being permanently well-managed. The weight and eating issues have been conquered and the hidden hypothyroidism that caused the pounds to stick like glue has been diagnosed and is regulated. Which means the weight is, slowly but surely, coming off.

Sometimes I still look into the mirror and all I see is the double chin and abundance of dark scars. But then I think about Psalm 139 which I used to have taped up on my mirror (and in a wonderful coincidence was the psalm for this past Sunday!)

"You formed my inmost being;

you knit me in my mother's womb.

I praise you, because I am wonderfully made;

wonderful are your works!

My very self you know.

My bones are not hidden from you,

When I was being made in secret,

fashioned in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw me unformed;

in your book all are written down;

my days were shaped, before one came to be.

-- Psalm 139:13-16

How wonderful is it to know that our God who formed us from nothing thinks we're beautiful. He made us just the way He wanted us to be. That means He gave me my large bones and frizzy hair on purpose. But to Him, I'm still beautiful. I am wonderfully made in His image. Frizzy hair, scars and all. Society's image can take a hike. I am beautiful to the One who created me, and that's all that matters to me.

*All lyrics used are from Mirror by Barlow Girl.

Suzanne is a 20-something former Baptist turned 14 month old baby Catholic who makes rosaries, rescues abandoned kittens, and loves photography. She's a night owl who blogs about life, faith, and the pursuit of her next adventure over at Of Butterfly Wings.