You Are Beautiful, Day 12

You Are Beautiful: Beauty After Baby

I've never struggled with feeling beautiful as much as I do now, 10 weeks after my beautiful baby boy, Henry, was born.

When I was growing up, had what I think were the typical teenage body issues, but I never was too hard on myself. I had a relatively normal body, good friends, loving family, and a happy life. 

I had heard over and over that women are sensitive about their pregnant bodies, and that was the most trying time for some women for body image. I however, loved my pregnancy body. It was exciting to look at my belly and know that our baby was developing inside. It was clear to me that my body was still beautiful because I was growing our child inside. 

Everything changed after Henry arrived. The first week or two was ok. It was a combination of being so overwhelmed with some frustration and excitement over him, and that distracted me from thinking about myself. 

I first questioned my beauty a few weeks postpartum. I stepped on the scale and checked my weight for the first time after the baby came. 20lbs lost, woo! I knew most of that was from directly the birth, and I smiled a little thinking I didn't have to worry about losing the weight and looking like myself again. With just 20 lbs more to go, I went on with life.

As the weeks went on, the numbers barely budged on the scale each morning when I checked. Why wasn't breastfeeding helping me lose weight like it promised? Why was I still living in maternity jeans and stretchy skirts? Why, when I looked down, was I staring at a pudgy stomach like I was 3 months pregnant again? I tried to tell myself  that it was normal, that it would still take time, but I still could not make myself happy about who I saw.

It wasn't just the weight either. Pregnancy left me with ugly stretch marks on my stomach, hips, and upper thighs. My stomach flab made it impossible to wear anything with a defined waist. My chest was larger and more awkward, and choosing undergarments to work with breastfeeding was upsetting because nothing would fit me the way that I was used to. These feelings have caused me to feel awful some days, and I hate to admit that they've even kept me from going out in public on occasion. The whole experience of new motherhood was getting occasionally overshadowed with thoughts about these problems...I was aching to feel comfortable, at ease, attractive, and yes, beautiful again. 

It hit me recently, as I begged my husband to tell me for the 100th time that day that he thought I looked good, how wrong I was (and still am) when I go from simply having these emotions, to letting these feelings overwhelm me. Why? Because every "ugly" part of my body I was focusing on, was that way because I gave birth to our beautiful baby. I look the way I do because my body did exactly what God designed me, as a woman, to handle. I carried a child for 9 entire months; my stretch marks are nothing more than the outcome of my body adjusting to hold a growing baby! I am also designed in such a way to care for my young baby's intense needs during this part of his life. This means that my chest is the way it is because I alone nourish him. I can't just lose a ton of weight at once, because my first responsibility is taking care of my nutritional needs in order to take care of him. My perception of beauty had been totally distorted by judging my body against an arbitrarily "perfect" woman's body, when that made no sense at all!

I prayed to God to better understand myself as a woman in His image. We are designed as unique persons by Him, and every time we forget that, we fall prey to the temptation to see our bodies separately from who God designed us to be. When I look at myself in the mirror, I remind myself who I am at this moment. I am a wife and a mother. My body nourishes my child and bonds me to my husband in marriage. This is what God has showed me in the crazy aftermath of having my son. Beauty does not mean I have to be 125lbs, smooth skin, flat stomach, average chest, and in perfect health. Your definition of beauty evolves as your life evolves, and God's plan for you takes shape. 

Last night, remembering this revelation, I relaxed and smiled at my husband when he called me beautiful. What wonders it does to see a post-baby body in God's eyes, not the world's.

May God bless all you who struggle with seeing beauty, as I did, and give you confidence to see yourself as God does. 

Kendra is a wife to Stephen, and mother to Henry. She blogs at The Nerdy Wife about marriage, motherhood, cooking, and being a nerd in the Catholic world.