Gossip Kills

I used to be a really big gossiper. I was the girl that knew everything, and who everyone went to when they wanted to know just exactly what was going on. And I was proud of that. I liked knowing that when people wanted to know something, they all trusted me to know first.

Then, last Lent, I tried to give up gossiping, because I knew I shouldn't be doing it, and I wanted to be able to use the season of sacrifice for Christ to give up the pride of place that came with being the source of grist for the rumor mill, and to change my ways. That proved a lot harder than I thought, and it was the first year that I kept a resolution wholesale (caffeine and chocolate) and failed a resolution wholesale, as well (gossiping). What I hadn't noticed, surprisingly, was that being the source of information for people who gossipped de facto made me surround myself with those people. I had almost nobody to turn to, because everyone I knew counted on me to know what they wanted to know, and nobody bought it when I copped out and said I didn't know (I usually did), and bothered me when I refused to tell them what I knew.

Over the summer, I learned the effect of gossip painfully when I told my manager at work something personal about my life, and asked her not to tell anyone. Within two weeks, almost all of my coworkers had questioned me about that personal aspect of my life, and they suddenly all had collective amnesia when I asked who had told them about it. It hurt to feel like these people, who liked me and treated me as a friend most of the time, were more than willing to treat me like meat if they thought they'd get to hear something interesting or salacious. I was disgusted and upset, and learned the hard way to be selective about the things I told others about myself.

Coming back to school this year, I've reconnected with some great friends, and I'm so happy. Things are working out for me, and I'm so glad to help our Newman Center to recruit students to come and check us out, and hopefully to have a meeting with Christ. However, I've realized that in light of what happened to me at work over the summer, I have no stomach for gossip anymore. Not only does it hurt a soul to gossip actively, I find increasingly that it hurts my soul to even hear gossipping. I cannot stand hearing people talk trash about each other and then turn around to be pious. This is nothing against people who regret what they've done and repent and try to make amends, because I am one of those. This is more the hypocritical type of looking down one's nose at the less pious, before talking about them as if they were circus freaks.

I remember having a conversation with my school's chaplain about a nasty bout of gossipping with my friends that he was afraid would have helped to lead another person astray, thinking that what we did was acceptable. I confessed to him (not Sacramentally) that because I was a freshman, I honestly thought I didn't have an influence on other people. I was quickly admonished to disabuse myself of the notion that I had no influence, because I was influential in some respects, and if people saw me doing something, they would follow my lead or believe that it was okay because I was doing it. That night, I put together a list of quotes about gossip and hung it on the wall next to my bed as a reminder that gossip kills. Perhaps not literally, but it kills friendships, relationships, jobs, families, faith, and probably other things I can't think of at the moment.

I am sincerely hoping that this year will see an end to the lion's share of the gossip I hear on a fairly regular basis. I hate it, it hurts me spiritually, and I'm starting to believe that it is literally of Satan. Below, I've attached my quote list, just as food for thought.

v What you don't see with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth.  ~Jewish Proverb

v  No one gossips about other people's secret virtues.  ~Bertrand Arthur William Russell, On Education, 1926

v The easiest way to keep a secret is without help.  ~Author Unknown

v  A cruel story runs on wheels, and every hand oils the wheels as they run.  ~Ouida

v Whoever gossips to you will gossip about you.  ~Spanish Proverb

v  Do not repeat anything you will not sign your name to.  ~Author Unknown

v Gossip needn't be false to be evil - there's a lot of truth that shouldn't be passed around.  ~Frank A. Clark

v It is one of my sources of happiness never to desire a knowledge of other people's business.  ~Dolley Madison

v Trying to squash a rumor is like trying to unring a bell.  ~Shana Alexander

v  I resolve to speak ill of no man whatever, not even in a matter of truth; but rather by some means excuse the faults I hear charged upon others, and upon proper occasions speak all the good I know of everybody.  ~Benjamin Franklin

v There is so much good in the worst of us,

And so much bad in the best of us,

That it hardly becomes any of us

To talk about the rest of us.

~Edward Wallis Hoch

v The biggest liar in the world is They Say.  ~Douglas Malloch

v  Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.  ~Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richard's Almanack, July 1735

(Early) Morning Offering

Dear Lord, I do not know what will happen to me today. I only know that nothing will happen that was not foreseen by You and directed toward my greater good from all eternity. I adore Your holy and unfathomable plans, and I submit to them with all my heart for love of You, the Pope, and the Immaculate Heart of Mary. Amen.

Above is a prayer called the Morning Offering. I've taken to saying it each morning as a way of centering myself around Christ, and consecrating my day to Him. I said it this morning, and it's testing me something awful right now.

If I could ask you all to take a second to say a prayer for an intention of mine, I'd sure appreciate it. It's a sensitive matter, so I'll just call it intention X. Surely, this once, God will understand what you mean. Thank you all so much, and God bless.

All Quiet on the Western Front

Okay, so maybe my life isn't particularly quiet, what with all the yammering I've been doing about my impending return to D.C., but it's okay. A surprise, certainly, but a pleasant one.

Yesterday saw the return of a dozen or so of my friends to America after their three week long pilgrimage to Europe and World Youth Day. I've not heard from them yet, but it looks and sounds like they had a fantastic time from the facebook updates they posted. I got two postcards from our chaplain, one from the Vatican, and one from Lourdes, and they were lovely. They came rather coincidentally after a serious fight with my mother, and I was so happy- and surprised- to see the second one, I cried when I picked it up for the first time. It's taken time, but I'm slowly able to come to grips with not going, but I'm sure I have a ways to go yet. I do hope everyone was able to enjoy the trip and grow in faith.

Today is my last day at work back home, and it's a relief, but also somewhat sad. I've made quite a few friends here, and though I know that I'll bond with the staff down in Washington, I probably won't be able to say the same about the customers. It's one of the many charms of coming from a small town that when you work in retail or food service, you get to know the regulars, and there's always an opportunity to be genial and friendly in a way you just can't do somewhere big and busy. Even as a New England native who is unaccustomed to chatting with people I don't know, it will be hard to go and work somewhere that everyone is rushing all the time, and I won't be able to chat with them about the apples, the weather, or the strange gluten intolerance of someone they know.

I went for an ultrasound today, and I am fully determined to go for as few as humanly possible outside of being pregnant. I offered up the discomfort of having to drink 32 oz. of water this morning and then having my pelvis pressed down on, but seriously, not cool. Turns out I have an ovarian cyst, which is weird, but I'm totally not bothered by it. As soon as the ultrasound tech left me alone to go to the bathroom so she could talk to a doctor about the images, I said a quick little prayer to Mary to help me bear it in place of some other woman. I know about 50% of women have one at some point, but considering how much my mom is freaking out, maybe it's better that I have one than her or some other worry-prone woman.

I suppose I really have nothing else to say right now, except that time needs to hurry up, because I want to be in Washington already!

The Most Important Thing

If you never read another sentence I write on this blog, I can handle that. I want everyone who sees this post to read it, and if they are so inclined, to pass it on to others. Echoing the sentiments of both Fr. John Zuhlsdorf and the National Catholic Register, I want to tell you the most important thing I will ever write, either on this blog, or anywhere else.

No sin you can commit, no number of sins, is so bad that God cannot or will not forgive them. There is nothing you can do to lose God's love or make Him turn His back on you. You are a finite human, even if you are the most powerful person on earth, and God is Love, Mercy, and Forgiveness itself. There is no way you can make Him stop loving you. It's not possible.

Many people have asked me to pray for them over the past year, and have told me that they want my prayers specifically because "God will listen to you". They were overwhelmed by the weight of what troubled them, by the weight of their sins, and were convinced the God would not listen to them because of what they'd done. This is not true, and it will never be. If Osama bin Laden had chosen to pray to God sincerely, with a contrite heart, God would have listened.

Too many people today have committed mortal sin, it's true. But there is a way to be forgiven, and we forget that. The Church offers every person the Sacrament of Confession, and all the graces that come with it. No matter what you have done, you can confess it, and leave your sin there. Through Confession, your sin is gone. Completely gone. It's not covered, whitewashed, or forgotten, it doesn't exist anymore. This is the power and goodness of God, who will take your every transgression, and put them as far away from you as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12).

Confession is being offered at World Youth Day by thousands of priests, and the Pope has given all of them the authority to remove the excommunication on anybody who confesses abortion. Many outlets have taken this poorly, implying that the only way a woman, or anyone who participates in an abortion, could have this excommunication lifted is by taking a very expensive flight to Madrid, and confessing before August 22nd. Others have said that it's a misogynistic effort by the Pope and the Church to get the upper hand over the "filthy sluts" who've had abortions. This is untrue.

The reason this power is being given to the priests in Madrid this week is the same reason the Sacrament of Confession is offered at all. The Church is primarily in the business of saving souls, and she wants, just as do God and all His ministers, to see souls reconciled to God. She wants all her children to know the depth of God's love for them, and she wants them to know joy and peace. But this is not it. After Madrid, and after this week, there will always be a chance for any sinner to approach God and confess his or her sins.

Confession, like the Cross, is an expression of God's love for us, His love for you. He died for your sins, even the ones you haven't committed yet, and He is always willing to forgive them if you are contrite and willing to amend your life. Imagine that, someone who loves you so much, that no matter what you do, or how many times you hurt Him or others, He is always ready and willing to forgive you. No person is like that, and no person ever will be. Only God is like that, and He is offering you a chance, no, infinite chances. Take advantage of that.

Confessing is hard, especially if you're confessing mortal sins. This is what scares some people away. They're afraid of how hard it will be to own up to what they've done, or they're scared the priest will judge them, or tell someone their sins. The priest knows how hard it is to confess, because he's done it himself, and he knows that it's almost never cut-and-dry. No priest will judge you for seeking forgiveness, and they are all bound never to reveal what anyone says, on pain of being excommunicated themselves. You have nothing to lose by confessing, and everything to gain. Take advantage of that, too.

If you are suffering from or weighed down by sin as you read this, please, find a priest, and Confess. I have gone through many difficult and painful Confessions, and I know how scary it is to do. The feeling of nervousness and dread is nothing compared to the relief and peace and grace of confessing. Remember that God still loves you, and you are more precious to Him than anything in the world. He wants you to come back to Him, and He wants to show you the immensity of His love for you. God is waiting anxiously for you to come home, like the Prodigal Son, and all of heaven is waiting to throw you a party when you do. Nothing is to big, or too bad, or too much for God to forgive, so please, come back home. I promise you won't regret it.

All Sin Is Bad

I want to start by thanking everyone who read and commented on my last post. It was great to see it get so much traffic, and if you haven't read it yet go do that, and leave a comment.

Onto today's topic, NEWSFLASH: ALL SIN IS BAD! Kind of obvious, right? You'd think so, especially since it's an eternal offense against God (in the sense that it is an offense against Him who is eternal). However, take a closer look, and you'll see that we like to rationalize sin. Sin is never something we need to do, but you can always find somebody to make a case for why they absolutely must commit this one itty bitty little sin just this one time, and then they'll get back on the straight and narrow.

That is not how it works, though, and I think that deep down, we all know it. And of course there will always be a "What if you were hiding a Jew from the Nazis? Aren't you allowed to lie about it then?" sort of scenario in which there is the pitting of a venial sin (lying to the Nazis that you're not hiding Jews from them) against a mortal sin (helping the Nazis kill Jews by turning Jews over to them). These situations are red herrings. They are meant to distract from the fact that sin is bad by saying that it's not bad to commit one sin in place of committing a worse one. The Church, however, rejects this mentality, and has always preached that if one is faced with a choice between two evils, one cannot choose either. This is not an easy teaching, but then, sin is typically the easy way out.

Back to the Nazi situation for a second, we are helped out by the Catechism*, which has much to say about lying in the section on the Eighth Commandment. In paragraph 2485, it says, "By its very nature, lying is to be condemned. It is a profanation of speech, whereas the purpose of speech is to communicate known truth to others." Before anyone ruptures a blood vessel at the thought that we ought to have sold out Jews to their murderers simply because we (hypothetically, in this case) were speaking to them, I point you to paragraphs 2488 and 2489, which reveal that we are to avoid lying at all costs, though "...in concrete situations [we must] judge whether or not it is appropriate to reveal the truth to someone who asks for it," because "No one is bound to reveal the truth to someone who does not have the right to know it." This sounds like a tricky way around saying "lie your way out of it, but it isn't. If you read the entirety of those two paragraphs, you will see that the use of discreet language is recommended to avoid both lying and revealing the truth to a person who has no right to know it.

I don't think I need to say that lying, not being the only sin, isn't the only bad thing we can do, but there, I just said it for the benefit of the conversation. This comes up because I am currently engaged in a conversation with my mother about whether or not certain sins are worse than others, which I've noticed seems almost a ridiculous distinction (although there is much merit to the distinction between venial and mortal sins, as it is an important one), because all sin is bad, no matter what you call it. Normally I would not have engaged her, but I feel that this could be an important "teachable moment" as our president would say, though she has told me a few times that she has nothing to say to a priest in Confession. However, the fact that I decided to go to an evening Mass on Sunday rather than the usual morning Mass I attend when I open at work, backfired on me spectacularly when I got out of work half an hour before Mass began and discovered my car's battery was dead. Mass was halfway over by the time my car was jumped, and I knew of no other Masses in the area at that time, so I did not go to Mass at all.

This may not seem like a big deal to some, but it bothers me that I have no way of knowing whether or not I am in a state of mortal sin (which is kind of a big deal). My mother believes, as a result of a shoddy analogy on my part, that taking God's name in vain is a more serious sin than missing Mass on a Sunday. In truth, I do not know whether taking God's name in vain is a mortal sin, though I do know that missing Sunday Mass without an appropriately good reason is. The point, in any case, is that it's kind of silly for my mother and I to say that either sin is worse than the other, because both are sins, ergo, both are bad.

It is silly that conversations like these should take place, but they are an integral part of the human rationalization of sin. I hear these conversations any time talk of voting comes up, and I am forced directly or indirectly to admit that I cannot vote. Not in the sense that I'm not registered to vote, since that takes all of fifteen minutes, but in the sense that I could not conscionably cast a vote for most political candidates. I'm a registered Democrat, and much to the chagrin of my friends who think I'm going to give that up any day now and register as a Republican, I'm not. I think that the Democrats have the best ideas on many issues, but I take issue with their platforms on abortion, stem cell research, marriage, euthanasia, adoption, contraception, etc. Other than those issues, I agree largely with what the party stands for, so I'm in a bind.

My parents have tried many times to rationalize voting for politicians who will promote and facilitate the execution of these things by saying the other issues more than make up for them, but they don't. My conservative friends have done the same, saying that the life and social issues more than make up for the other ones, but they don't. I have also been told that it is a venial sin not to vote if you can, and I do believe that if one has the power to affect change in how things are run, then there is a duty to do so, but unfortunately, I rationalize the sin of not voting by saying I cannot vote for a Republican in good conscience. I think, however, from now on I'm going to write in the Cardinal-Archbishop of Washington or Mickey Mouse, just to be able to go out and vote.

In conclusion, although there is an important distinction between venial and mortal sins that should not be ignored, all sin is bad. No matter how much rationalizing we do, there is no excuse for committing sin. Reading the Catechism will help us live out our universal call to holiness and sort our sticky situations. I probably need to go to Confession about missing Mass (at the very least). And finally, God is good.

*I realize I stuffed a lot of quotes from the Catechism into one paragraph, so I didn't want to link every single one. Here is the link to the Catechism section of the USCCB website, in case you want to read for yourself the parts I quoted. I recommend buying a copy, if you are so inclined, since it's only $20, and very useful reading for any Catholic.

Fill In The Blank!

Since most of you beautiful folks who read my blog come here from facebook, I figured I'd need a title for this post that would grab your attention and get you to participate. So please, since I've decided I want to hear from you all, weigh in on today's question. What is this question? I'll tell you in a second, but first, a little background. During my liberal phase of yesteryear, I was kind of a man eater. Those of you who know me will obviously find this extremely difficult to believe, since I'm so demure and reserved in person. Anyway, I was rather a pushy believer in women's lib feminism, and heaven help any male who wanted to do something polite for me, because I would normally say "Thanks, but I could have done that myself", and make sure he knew I didn't need any man taking care of me. It wasn't always pretty...

However, since coming back to the faith and meeting a bunch of new males, I've had that aspect of my personality brought into rather harsh perspective, having been regularly teased that I was a man. I also had a couple of people tell me that my pushiness was exactly the reason why no man would be caught dead with me on his arm. It was a painful pill to swallow, but certainly not untrue. I attended a high school where the students were called "Lauralton Ladies", though most of us prided ourselves on how much like men we could act. It's not a good thing when it takes entering college to remind you that burping loudly is gross, and that the winter isn't really an acceptable excuse to only shave twice a month. I've been trying for a while to act just a little more lady-like, if for no other reason than not having to hear "Holy crap! That was you? I thought it was Father/Andrew/Michael/Dan/Ian/[insert post-adolescent male here]!"

In this never ending search to discover how to act like a grown up woman, I've been looking for any reading material that recommends how a proper lady should act. Rather surprisingly, I've found some of the most helpful information on websites devoted to chivalry or manhood. I was not surprised, sadly, to discover that I was not the only woman who didn't appreciate or react well to attempts at polite chivalry and gentlemanliness. If I've gleaned anything from all the research I've done on the subject, it's that chivalry isn't dead, and most people, it seems, don't want it to die. It just seems that we're letting a relatively few people keep beating up on chivalry, much to the detriment of the rest of us.

I don't want to see this happen, because I'm increasingly noticing that chivalry is a lot of reciprocity. If a man is willing to do something chivalrous for a woman, her reaction will often determine whether or not he continues to act in that way toward other women. If a woman demonstrates a willingness to accept chivalrous favors from men, they will be encouraged to act that way more often. Fortunately, the people of both sexes who are willing to do and accept gracefully chivalrous things are keeping the habit alive. That's fine for now, but I want to see it spread. I'd love to see more women smile kindly and thank men for being gentlemen to us, and I'd also love to see more men step up to the plate and be gentlemen, even in the face of criticism.

I think working in a service position has heightened my awareness of courtesy, and my appreciation for it. Having to be courteous to everyone, even the people who are annoyed at me or don't treat me courteously has made me much more aware of and thankful for the people who are willing to be polite to those who serve them. This was brought sharply to my attention as I was leaving work tonight, and a young man who had walked out the door ten feet ahead of me dashed back to the door as it was about to close, expressly for the purpose of holding it for me. I didn't know him, and he didn't know me, but the fact that he was willing to hold the door open for a restaurant employee said something about his character. When most people won't even look at you when you wish them a good night, you notice the ones who are extra polite for no reason.

So now for the fill in the blank portion of this post. I have a few questions that I want all of you to weigh in on in the comments:

• Do you think chivalry is dead? Would you personally like to see it go away, or start to thrive again?
• How were you raised in respect to chivalry?
• Girls: Were you taught not to accept help from men, or were you taught that men ought to act like gentlemen toward women?
• Guys: Were you taught that women no longer wanted this kind of behavior from you, or were you taught that you should always act like a gentleman?
• Is there a new kind of chivalry for our day and age, or should we be looking for the semblances of what we traditionally consider chivalry?
• Finally, do you agree with my assessment of chivalry, or have I missed the mark in some way?

Please comment, because I'd love to hear your opinions on this matter, since after all, it does involve all of us!

God and Beyonce Are...

Not the same person, if that's what you thought I was going to say. No, although I'm sure God has just as much soul as B does. What God and Beyonce have in common today is that they're both trying to tell me the same thing: "You're better off now than you were then, so don't sweat it, and keep your head up." It seems funny for sure that I would hear God's voice in Beyonce's music, but don't we always say that He works in mysterious ways? Besides, I like to think that this is God staying young at heart, if you will.

Today saw the first round of WYD updates, and they were not easy at all. I'm glad to see that my friends are all having fun, and I'm ecstatic to hear that they're growing in faith and grace on this pilgrimage, but that doesn't mean I don't wish I was there with them. Unfortunately, as is my tendency, I dwelt on the feelings I got from realizing that I could really have been one of them, and it's left a predictably sour taste in my mouth. Though I have to say, the pictures of our chaplain in tourist sandals did make me giggle.

I've also been thinking lately about my reversion to the faith, which happened a year ago yesterday, and two days after I broke up with my boyfriend of almost six months. It's funny that a year later, I couldn't find much to say about the reversion, but I could speak volumes about the break up. I guess it's a testament to how long I can hold onto pain, but also how much I still need to heal. This is where Beyonce comes in.

I've been a fan of Beyonce for a few years now, and part of what I like so much about her music is the fact that she's not afraid to acknowledge heartbreak, but also that she's also willing to say she's better off without whoever broke her heart. I originally noticed this with the release of "Irreplaceable", but currently her better-off-without-you single is "Best Thing I Never Had". The song is about loving someone who was a jerk, but once you're with someone better, being thankful that you ended it when you did. Replace a guy with sin/Satan, and the song applies to me rather neatly, though it does work in its original format for my ex.

That's where God and Beyonce are trying to tell me the same thing. God is saying that it's okay that I don't have long-winded speeches to give on the anniversary of my reversion, because I'm trying my best to break it off with sin and Satan, and letting them know they're the best thing I never had (and vice versa), and Beyonce is just reminding me that yes, I do still have a lot to say about the break up, but I should let it go, because I'm better off now than I was then. God is also reminding me that I wouldn't have given a flying fart in space about WYD a year ago, and so perhaps I should be thankful for the faith He's given me which has made me even care whether or not I'm going.

I have to say, I have a couple of pretty cool role models in God and Beyonce. One is creator and sustainer of everything, all powerful, all knowing, but also all good and all loving. The other is a strong, ambitious, talented woman with a beautiful voice. Both of them are trying to remind me that I'm fine right now. Yes there will be pain, it's a part of life, but I have to keep it in perspective. Today's pain is a result of much greater joys than I have ever known, and pain never has to defeat me as long as I keep my head up and follow the right path. So today, as always, God and Beyonce are awesome and pretty freaking cool (respectively).

God's Mirror

So I mentioned in my last post that I took a trip this past weekend that ended up being very spiritually beneficial for me in the midst of my not-going-to-Europe depression. For anyone who was wondering exactly where I went, it was to the Soulfest Christian music festival in Gilford, NH. I'm only recently a fan of Christian music, but I knew enough to be drawn to the festival when one of my friends from school suggested I go up there and meet the youth group she was going with. It was, as I mentioned, a fantastic time, and I loved every minute of it (after finding said friend and getting un-lost, of course).

Looking back on the experience, I realize that one of the things that touched me most about the experience was the natural beauty of the landscape. Since the festival was being held at a ski resort, there was a chair lift (the third longest in New Hampshire, I was told), and from that chair lift I had one of the most beautiful views I have ever seen. Lest you should think I'm exaggerating, I offer as evidence of the place's beauty the fact that I have seen London from atop the London Eye (world's biggest ferris wheel) at twilight, and Paris from the top of the Eiffel Tower at twilight. I have seen the magnificently kept gardens at Versailles, and its famed Hall of Mirrors. I've seen the Cliffs of Moher in Co. Galway, Ireland, and and fog rolling across the lush green mountains of Co. Cork, Ireland. I've seen the Adirondack Mountains in the Fall, and Newport in the mists of early Summer. Clearly, I do not lack for having seen beautiful places.

This, in turn, takes me back to the time some years ago when I was dabbling in Wicca and Neo-Paganism. Both of these Earth-based faiths hold the natural beauty of this world in the highest regard. They encourage their adherents to connect with nature spiritually, and that is a large part of what drew me to them. Now, there is nothing wrong with connecting to the Divine through nature, after all, God created this world to be a beautiful place (hence the fact that women are the pinnacle of creation :). The problem is with the theology, which embraces polytheism, and in some ways, pantheism and animism, along with other things which I don't have the time or space to delve into. However, I still admire the fact the Wiccans and Neo-Pagans can look at the created world and see the hand of God in it.

It is the Catholic teaching that each faith holds in it elements of Truth, and that which is good about each faith is reflective of God and His beauty and goodness. This reverence for creation is one of those elements of Truth in Earth-based faiths, and is also one that I think Christians are occasionally afraid to delve into for fear of coming off as Pagan. It is a folly, however, to think that. Reverence for what God has created is essential to being good stewards of what He has given us to care for, and to conflate admiration and appreciation for nature with worshipping it is foolish, at best.

I have come to this conclusion rather belatedly after having the sheer awesomeness and beauty of God reflected at me through His creation in New Hampshire. It blows my mind to think that the Author of all things, awesome and all-powerful, would have taken the time to look down at what would eventually become the small state of New Hampshire, and create in it a pristine oasis of evergreen-covered mountains and exquisitely blue lakes, knowing that one day people would enjoy it even a fraction as much as I did. One cannot help but wonder in those moments about the magnificence of the Creator who made such resplendent beauty not only to be gazed upon, but to serve the purpose of aiding in the survival of creatures.

I am truly never thankful enough to God for all the gifts He has given me, but this is one of those moments that makes up for that. I stumbled across the one photo I took of the view from the chair lift as my phone was dying, and it is an enduring reminder for me of how great God truly is. I hope that I will be able to make it back for at least one more Soulfest up there, but if not, I will always be able to cherish the gift of being able to go even once, and for being reminded that the radiant beauty of creation mirrors the divine beauty of God.

Suffering Doesn't Mean God Isn't There

I've had writer's block lately, so this idea comes from a friend who has been trying to explain the concept to other people. It's a pretty big issue for some folks to grapple with, especially if they've suffered more than most others. I've noticed, as I'm sure many others have, that the more we suffer, the more we tend to believe that God isn't with us, or that He doesn't exist at all. We tend to think that if God really existed, or if He really loved us, He would spare us from our suffering.

It's a very tempting thought. God is all-powerful, all-good, all-loving, and so shouldn't He want and be able to relieve us of those things that hurt us the most? Of course He can, and of course He wants to, but sometimes that isn't what's best for us, and above almost all other things, God wants what is best for us. He created us and is our Heavenly Father, and like any good father, He wants us to be happy, but He can't always keep us from hurting. That's not to say that like our earthly fathers, God isn't capable  of preventing us from hurting, but that if He wants what is best for us, He has to let us live our lives, and yes, get hurt sometimes.

How can that be? you might protest. How can a beneficent God allow pain and suffering and still claim He's there for us? How can He say He still loves us if He lets us get hurt? Because pain doesn't just hurt us. Pain helps us heal and makes us stronger, if we let it. Sometimes God lets us suffer because there is something better we will discover through that pain. Oftentimes we forget that the way we want things to go is not always the best way. It might be the most emotionally satisfying way, or the least turbulent way, but it isn't the best way, and while we don't always know that, God does.

How do I know this? I'm speaking from experience. And not just the one-time-I-wanted-things-to-work-out-and-they-didn't-so-I-discovered-God type of vague, universal experience. It's happening now, and probably not in this way to too many other people. I'm suffering right now. I have been since February, and will for at least another month. You see, a group of my friends is on an airplane at Dulles Airport in Washington, waiting to take off for a three week long pilgrimage to Rome, Paris, Lourdes, and Madrid. You know where I'm supposed to be right now? On that airplane. Do you know where I am right now? In Connecticut, on my living room couch, trying to convince myself that God still loves me, in spite of the fact that He didn't miraculously intervene to get me on that pilgrimage.

I want more than anything to go to Europe and see the churches, the holy sites, the holy people, and World Youth Day, but I'm not going. For the next month, I will be hearing updates from that pilgrimage, and when I get back to school, I will ask the obligatory "How did it go?", "Did you see the Pope?", "What was the coolest thing about it?", "Are you glad you went?" type of questions, knowing full well that every answer will feel like a knife twisting in my heart. It seems completely unfair to me that God would allow a dozen other people to make this trip free of charge (they raised all the money they needed), and make me stay home, especially foreknowing what awaited me here. It's the same jealous pain you feel when a member of your family dies, and the next week, your friend invites you to their family reunion. You wonder why God had to take your family member and not someone else's, and on top of that, why the pain of the loss had to be rubbed in. That's how I feel right now.

Alright, so now that we've established that we're all sad for some reason, that still doesn't prove that God hasn't abandoned us. What does is what He gives us in return for our pain, and how we choose to utilize it. You know what I got for my pain? A nine hour round trip spent cursing at other drivers and my GPS in the heat, and a nerve-wracking search for a group of people I couldn't identify, other then "The guy's name is Chris, and they're from near Boston, I think". I was hungry, tired, sweating, and crying, and it took two and a half hours to locate the only person I knew among a few thousand at a ski resort 240 miles away from home, and praise God I didn't keep seeing it through that lens. It was tempting, though, I won't lie.

Instead, how I choose to see this arrangement will color what my attitude toward God's presence in my life will be. I could choose the negativity, but that would ignore the things I could never have gotten from the pilgrimage through Europe. I threw my time and resources (a few weeks' paychecks) into a day and a half at a Christian music festival that is much smaller and less hyped than World Youth Day, and while that seems inferior to three weeks in Europe, it really wasn't. I spent thirty-six hours in one of the most beautiful places I have ever been, making friends with some absolutely amazing Catholic kids who showed me Christ in new ways, sitting in top of a ski slope singing at the top of my lungs, and forgetting about every worry in my life other than "Will we make it to the mountaintop stage before Tenth Avenue North gets done with their set?" If I choose the negativity, then I would be ignoring all the gifts and graces God has chosen to give me in favor of self pity over not getting what I wanted.

I can still choose the negativity if I want, and so can you, if you're suffering. You can choose to see your loss, your pain, your thwarted efforts, your stifled plans, and decide that God has abandoned you because suffering has entered your life. Please don't. God became man in Jesus Christ and endured every kind of pain we can feel, just for us. Jesus endured this pain so that every time one of us suffers, He can be there beside us, crying to God the Father "My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?". Every ache you feel, every tear you shed, none of it is in vain because Christ feels it with you and offers you a chance to unite it to the ultimate suffering, His Cross, for your salvation and that of others.

And don't forget that God sends grace and blessings with pain, all you have to do is look for them. It is hard to do sometimes, but He is reminding you that He will never leave you. He loves you that much. Suffering doesn't mean God isn't there, it means you're human. You might have to search for God in those moments, but He's not hiding. He's in everything and everyone who gives you comfort, He's waiting for you to reach out to Him so He can heal your heart and help you go on. If you need tangible proof, check out Matthew 5:4, "Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted", and Isaiah 49:13-16, "Sing out, O heavens, and rejoice, O earth, break forth into song, you mountains. For the LORD comforts his people and shows mercy to his afflicted. But Zion said, 'The LORD has forsaken me; my Lord has forgotten me.' Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb? Even should she forget, I will never forget you. See, upon the palms of my hands I have written your name..."

If you're suffering right now, please don't stop searching for God. He's right there with you, hurting, but also waiting to heal. Keep looking for God, because He will never abandon you.

Half the Population is Apparently Very Sick

Oy vey es mier, sometimes I want to hug politicians, but more often I want to just throw up all over them. This will never happen, and it's probably better that way, but recently they've been grating on the nerves a little more than usual. For those who read the post I wrote about my parents, you will have gleaned that I had an interest in politics before I entered college. That interest faded when I started the political science program, but I suspect that my political leanings and interests will never go away completely. This is why the hubbub going on in the government recently has made me want to tear my hair out, and why the latest decision about health care and insurance has pushed me closer to that precipice. I'm talking about the new mandate for all health insurance providers to cover birth control and sterilization procedures, and for all employers to opt in to those new measures.

Now, on the surface these mandates seem reasonable. After all, they're billed as preventative care, and who doesn't want to prevent disease? Oh wait, what's that you say.....? Fertility isn't a disease? You mean that children aren't infectious and communicable like smallpox or rubella? Strange, since that's what birth control and sterilization prevent: children. I cannot imagine who thought this was a good idea, since the reasoning for this bill's passage was that, in preventing pregnancy (which occasionally has complications), any medical issues caused by pregnancy would be prevented as well. This reasoning is shaky, since all pregnancies do not cause complications, and treating these complications should be the paramount concern, not preventing pregnancy from happening.

Also, this legislation isn't entirely fair. A woman's ability to conceive new life is a horrific disease that needs to be stopped, but a man's erectile dysfunction is as well? A woman can't be fertile without the chance of bringing forth a new blight on the planet and the human race (a baby), but a man's virility is imperative? Pardon me if I find that laughable and idiotic. If the government wants to cut down unwanted pregnancy (which DHHS claims account for 50% of all pregnancies), perhaps they could funnel resources into something worthwhile, like stopping rape? Or they could institute programs in schools that teach kids that they have inherent worth, making them less likely to go around looking for love and acceptance through sex when they're in their teens. These both account for unwanted pregnancies, and if we could cut them down, we'd see a decrease in the rate.

Two of the biggest supporters of this bill were President Obama and Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius. Each of them has two children and a spouse. I wonder if they would be willing to say to their spouses and kids the message they've put out with this bill. I hope not. I cannot imagine a parent telling their children that they had a right to prevent them being born, or a married person telling their spouse that the decision to have children rests only with one of them. The whole thing reeks of selfishness, and a desire for what is best for oneself regardless of what is best for another.


This bill ignores the value of human life and of the people it will supposedly "help", and is blatantly prejudicial to religious organizations and people who do not want to fund contraception. Yes, there are "religious exemptions", but they allow for an organization to be exempt if it only ever does business with people who are adherents of that religion. So a Catholic (or Orthodox Jewish, or conservative Protestant) hospital can be exempt only if it caters exclusively to Catholic, Orthodox Jewish, or conservative Protestant clientele. This is ridiculous, since no hospital run by anyone worth their salt is going to stop to check what your religious affiliation is before they treat you, they're just going to treat you.

I resent this bill and its message. I resent the fact that people will be forced to violate their consciences at the government's whim. I resent the people in government who pushed for this bill's enactment, and those who did nothing to stop it. The government is telling Americans that half the population is at risk for a very severe disease called pregnancy, and the end result, children, needs to be avoided at all costs. Half the population is apparently very sick, and as one of them, I can assure you I prefer I remain that way.