Why Don't You Have A Boyfriend?

Ah, the most dreaded question any young woman around my age and into her twenties will hear. Normally you get it from grandma and grandpa, who were betrothed to each other at the age of six and can't seem to understand why a girl as pretty as you cannot get her hands on a man. It's nerve wracking, and nobody wants to hear it, mostly because it ends up turning into a discussion of how to improve your "flaws" so that you can become a juicy, man-attracting steak. Needless to say, this doesn't help the self-esteem any, and it's also not how a young woman wants to view herself. For all the garbage it gave us, the feminist movement has allowed women to be a little more assertive about being who they are.

I (thankfully) have not been asked the dreaded question yet. My parents know there aren't any boys in my life, and whether or not they have passed this information along to the rest of the family, they haven't asked either. This is wonderful for me, because I don't feel any pressure from my family to "complete" myself or my life with the presence of a boyfriend. We all know I'm a smart cookie, and that I would be fine either way, so it's not imperative that I go and get me a husband right now (all discernment issues aside).

Even more thankfully, none of my friends has asked why I don't have a boyfriend. I mean, they're right there all the time, so if I was either doing something wrong or just plain not finding anyone, they'd already know. However, they have recently become aware of the struggles I had on retreat this past weekend, so they're possibly joining me in the realization that now might not be the best time in the world for me to be involved with a guy.

But, good and faithful readers, let me answer the question for you. It's longer and more complex than most people imagine, as I suppose it must be for many young women. I also hope it will shed some light on what we as women should be on the look out for, should a stalwart, upright young man ever happen upon us in our ivory towers of life in the real world as a young woman. You didn't really think I was going to go all Disney princess on you there, did you?

I don't have a boyfriend partly because of internal struggles, and partly because of my faith. The internal struggles just started this weekend, when in a retreat activity I had confront a huge insecurity I have about love. I have a hard time accepting love because I don't believe that others can love me unconditionally, and because I don't believe it about people, I don't really believe it about God, either. Intellectually I know God loves every one of His children unconditionally, but I cannot allow myself to feel it because I'm afraid that God's love for me will prove to be conditional, as has been my experience in the past. I know that I need to learn to accept and believe in God's unconditional love for me before I can truly learn to love myself or even think about letting someone in to love me romantically. I'm working this through with the help of my spiritual  director (and the Big G Himself), and I know that this is something in which I need to grow closer to God, and I am willing to forsake the possibility of romance for now to do it.

The other reason I don't have a boyfriend is because my Catholic faith empowers me to ask a lot more of a man than a lot of women do. I want to be able to expect a lot from any man I date, and that has necessarily narrowed the field in college. I want the respect due me as a daughter of God, and I want to give a man the respect due him as God's son. I want him to be worthy of my estimation for encouraging me in my faith, and I want to be able to encourage him to seek God in the same way I am. I want to know that he and I are united in love with each other and with Christ, and I don't want any man who will try or even propose to lead me away from God or my faith. I don't want a guy who is more interested in self-gratification than in helping me guard both of our purity, or who is apathetic about the things that matter to me. I don't want a man who will encourage me to treat my faith as a quaint relic of the past which is only good for the occasional trip to the soup kitchen, or who believes that himself. Also, I just don't do well with people who aren't intellectual and don't have plans for themselves beyond getting totally trashed this weekend.

I don't have a boyfriend right now because I choose not to, and though most of my friends aren't necessarily single by choice, we're all looking for the same thing. We want to be solid with ourselves and with Christ before we look for a guy, and if we have issues (and lots of young women do), we want to work them out before giving our all in a romantic relationship. It's tough to do, especially if you feel desperate to be loved, but the rewards both spiritually and temporally are so much greater than the short term buzz of a college fling, and you wind up on much better footing with yourself and God. I hope to be able to encourage all my sisters to look after yourselves first, and try to grow in faith and love of God, and He will bring you the perfect guy, the one He destined you for out of His great love for you.