Thy Will Be Done

Well, I'm back from retreat now, and as I hoped, it has definitely given me some fruit for new blog posts, but not exactly in the way I hoped. I was kind of hoping for happiness and peace and confirmation this weekend, and I got none of that. I could barely even sense God at all. I feel horrible about that because everyone else seemed to have such a wonderful time, gain insights into their faith, grow in love, and there I was, doing more or less squat. And I won't lie, it's actually been kind of painful, and I really wish that I didn't have to deal with what came up this weekend, but God has His own reasons for asking me to do it now, I'm sure.

Going into this retreat, I knew I'd been struggling, and I felt worn out physically and spiritually. I was so glad to be able to leave D.C. for a couple of days, try to unwind, and reorient myself with God. A bunch of friends were going on retreat as well, and so were a couple of new girls we were excited to meet. We got to the house, dropped our stuff, had Mass, and right away something wasn't right. I chalked it up to tiredness and went to bed expecting the healing and fun to start the next morning. The next morning was lovely (and a little chilly!), and we got started pretty quickly with all of the usual retreat fare: breakfast, Mass, talks, etc.

Everything was going alright until Confession, when I made my way down into the basement and was asked if I had noticed all of what I was saying since starting the retreat. I hadn't, and our chaplain chided me that I was looking to take care of people and things outside myself, and not checking in to what was going on for me. I knew it was true, and during the second talk of the day, I made more of an effort to be mentally present. It was during this talk, the talk about how loved and beautiful we were, that some very painful things I had buried were brought to the surface. I was unable to even look at myself in the hand mirror we'd all been given, and I desperately wished I could just re-bury everything I had just been forced to acknowledge.

During Adoration, I couldn't feel Jesus' presence, in spite of the fact that He couldn't have been more than five feet away from me at any point. I was distracted and barely able to pray even a simple prayer, and when Benediction came around I started to cry openly, and I felt lost, alone, and hurt. That night was calmer, and I went to bed earlier, hoping I could just forget what had happened to me. No such luck, though, and so I'm (thankfully) going in for spiritual direction tomorrow (Praise. God.). The only silver lining I've been able to see on this weekend is that I've managed (vaguely) to isolate a couple of the issues I think I might be having.

I can't broach the topic of most of them here and now, but the foremost issue is that I think God might be asking me to take off a mask. Now, lots of young women wear masks, it's how we get through a great deal of what we get through, but this mask is an elemental part of me, or so it seems. It's one of the masks that gets created early on in life, and when you're younger it's easier to take off though usually you don't. Once you get older, the mask gets woven into who you are, and taking it off becomes a painful and sometimes impossible task. I'm sure I haven't gotten to the impossible stage yet, but I know that it is already painful to have been asked to take the mask off, and that it will only become more so as time goes on.

This retreat is strangely reminiscent of the FOCUS Conference in January, and with that in mind, I mad the same prayer last night that I made when we came back then. I asked God just for the strength to accept His will, and to do it. I would like to know why this is happening, and why now, but I am content not to know that for now, and only to be able to do God's will. Knowledge of everything isn't necessary, I just want to survive first, then figure out the particulars. I don't know how I'm going to do this, I don't know why it's happening, all I know is that it hurts and I want to follow God to the solution. Please pray for me in this struggle, I'd really appreciate it!