Not strictly speaking, anyway. It's not one of the Cardinal Virtues (Prudence, Fortitude, Temperance, Justice), nor is it one of the Theological Virtues (Faith, Hope, Love). Since I was little, I've always heard people say "Patience is a virtue," and I would jokingly reply that I must not be virtuous, because I was never very patient. It wasn't until last year when a seminarian friend told me that patience isn't actually a virtue, but a Fruit of the Holy Spirit. But you know what? Patience should be a virtue. I would consider the vast majority of virtuous people I know to be patient, and I would consider it exceedingly difficult for an impatient person to be virtuous, since so many virtues require a lot of time and effort to attain and perfect.
The reason I bring this up is because I have been feeling very impatient lately. Somewhat with other people, but mostly with God. It's probably a proud thing to say that I'm getting impatient with the One who is perfect in every way, especially since I will never hope to even approach perfection, but I am. This stems a lot from envy of my friends, and situations they find themselves in now. I've talked quite a bit about emotional chastity lately, and how awful I am at it (I promise this will be the last post about it for a while!), and seeing a couple of my friends in relationships (or whatever they would prefer to have them called) is difficult. I'm happy for them to be happy, please believe it, but I also wish that I could be happy in the same way.
This is where the impatience with God comes in. I want to be able to be in a relationship this year because I want to discern next year, and I don't want to start discernment without having experienced a Christian relationship. I already feel like time is slipping, and because I'm working on school and prayer (though that could stand some improvement, for sure), I'm somewhat arrogantly tapping my foot at God as if to say, "Alright Lord, I had three goals for this year, and I'm already working on two of them, so could you please just help me out with the third already?" It would probably frustrate my spiritual director to read this, since his revision of that goal was for me to reach out and become more social, rather than be overly concerned with dating, but the foolish desires of a young woman's heart are not always so easily shaken (I'm sorry, Father!).
I'm currently finishing up Jason and Crystalina Evert's How to Find Your Soulmate Without Losing Your Soul, and the hardest part of the book for me is the end. That's where they talk about being patient, running after Christ, and enjoying your season of singlehood, and as much as I agree with what they're saying in my head, my heart is less on board with the whole "enjoying singlehood" bit. One of the strengths of the book is that the Everts don't pull punches. They don't try to sugarcoat the hard stuff, so when it comes to enjoying singlehood, they really just say "Go out and become your own woman. Don't wait for some guy to come around and complete you, go out and do the things you always wanted to before you settle down and have other things to do." There are lots of things I want to do now, like picking German back up, going to the Holocaust Museum, cooking recipes from a cookbook with my friends, but I'm afraid I'm not patient enough to go about doing all the things I want to do, because I'm too fixed on getting my way with God.
Quite frankly, this all is embarrassing to admit, but it's a prime example of not guarding my heart, not just against silly feminine whims, but against pains and desires that are not of God. Right now in my life, God should be more than enough for me, but I'm not letting Him be. I'm trying to block out His plan for me, which doesn't include romance just yet, to try to get what I want. Lucifer did that too, once, and we can see how well that all worked out for him. I guess this issue is more about reconquering myself for God than anything. I have to trust in His timing, rely on His wisdom, and allow Him to be enough for me always, so that whether I ever experience romance or not, I'm never discontent with what I have, which, after all, is more than enough for forever.
Christina, this is beautiful! My daughter is reading that same book. You seem like an amazing young woman and I will pray for you. And by the way, your comment on my blog was excellent!
ReplyDelete1. Holla, Leila! Glad you found Christina's blog! She is pretty amazing!
ReplyDelete2. Christina, I hear you on the impatience... I have always been impatient and I've grown a lot in patience over the past couple of years, but I have been VERY impatient with God lately with my job search, spiritual dryness, etc. I'm ready for my time and not His, so it's something to work on.
3. I think the best advice I can give about the relationship aspect is that you can't will a relationship into existence. I haven't officially dated anyone in 7 years, and while I would have liked to have been in a relationship with a couple of people since then, those didn't work out and for very good reasons! What I am learning now that the best way to be prepared for a relationship is to be the best single gal you can be. You will attract the right man (which, let's face it, can be difficult to find at the college age, even in the Newman Center) if you present yourself as an open, holy woman who is content being single, but also open to building strong friendships and maybe something more. Now - this hasn't quite worked out for me yet, but I trust that it's the right way to go about it, because in my past, desperately seeking relationships when they were not to be had got me into a lot of trouble, emotionally and spiritually.
Leila, thanks so much! I'll pray for you, too, and for your daughter! I'm a huge fan of your blog, so this is pretty exciting for me.
ReplyDeleteLiesl, I know what you're saying is true, and I'm meeting with Padre tomorrow about this. I expect a scolding or something, but having said that, I bet he'll surprise me haha. Hang in there with the spiritual dryness! It hurts, for sure, but you'll come out stronger on the other side. :)