An Adorable Sacrilege

Okay, let me start off by easing your fears and saying that no sacrilege was actually committed in the making of this post. It just felt like it. It was really more of a blooper, or snafu, if you will. I really didn't mean any harm, I had just misunderstood the instructions I was given. I probably shouldn't have, but I did. I was really broken up about it, too. You can ask the people who saw me crying because I thought I'd just committed some kind of mortal sin, it's true. No mortal sin was committed, though, just a silly mistake which exposed how woefully under-catechized I am, even now.

You're probably wondering just what sort of atrocity I'm going on about here, so I'll let you know. I'm the permanent sacristan (Mass setter-upper) at the Newman Center now, and the chaplain told me that today I was supposed to put two celebrant hosts on the paten (little plate they put on top of the chalice) so that he could consecrate a new host to use for Eucharistic Adoration. Silly Christina, however, thought this meant she was supposed to remove the already consecrated host from the lunet (what holds the host in the monstrance), which she then proceeded to do. When the chaplain asked if I had put two celebrant hosts on the paten, I said yes, and told him what I'd done.

All things being equal (and considering he'd just found out he was dealing with a sacristan who didn't know that her unconsecrated hands were not supposed to be on the Body of Christ), I think he took it rather well. Our chaplain was startled, but recovered himself and admonished me not to touch the consecrated hosts again, because, my hands not being consecrated as a member of the priesthood's, I wasn't supposed to be touching them. It was at this moment that the horrible realization dawned on me that I might have just done something terribly sacrilegious, not to mention foolish and disrespectful. I couldn't help myself, and I started to cry, running through all the awful punishments and sins my soul could have incurred because of my ignorance.

I went into the bathroom, and, careful not to use the fingers that had touched the host, tried to blot away the tears and clumsily blow my nose. I went to daily Mass late, sat in the back, and could barely absorb a thing from the liturgy, being so consumed with guilt. Just in case I'd committed sin by touching the Eucharist unworthily, I didn't receive, and I mentally begged God for forgiveness with every fiber of my being. After Mass, the chaplain washed my hand as he does his own during the liturgy, and sent me on my way, so he could hear Confessions. I went upstairs to the bathroom, and began to cry again.

A friend walked in on me, graciously attempted to console me, and when our campus minister came up to her office, I began to cry again, explained the story to her, and.......... she laughed. Not like giggling, either. She was full on laughing at what I'd told her, and the first thing she said was "Oh, sweetie! That's so adorable!" This made me feel better by getting me to laugh at what I thought was the absurdity of the statement. But, she explained, "It just sounded like you're a little girl going , 'Okay daddy, I'll do what you say,' without really getting it. It's just so cute." And looking back on it, that's kind of what it was. I knew I was supposed to put two hosts on the paten, and I knew that one of them was already the consecrated Body of Christ, and so I was very careful with it, taking every precaution I could think of and even hesitating before touching it, because I knew Who it was.

This has caused two realizations to arise today. One, that the Eucharist truly is the Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity of Jesus Christ, and two, that I ought still to be seeking out humility whenever and wherever I can. With regard to the first realization, it's not that I didn't know that in either my head or my heart, but I guess I've been taking it for grated the Jesus is really there in the Eucharist. Like, "Oh yeah, don't receive if you think you're in mortal sin, receive on the tongue to show respect, whisper 'My Lord and my God' when the bread and wine are elevated at Mass," had just become very casual, subconscious things to me. I'd forgotten how awesome it is that not only is God with us at Mass, during Adoration, etc., but that He literally gave us His Body and Blood to consume so we could have eternal life with Him. Believe me, the power of the sacrament is no longer lost on me. It is nothing short of miraculous.

With regard to the second, I suppose that I'd just taken the Real Presence so much for granted, that I almost thought nothing of touching the Body of Christ. Repeat, I did not actually think about physically touching GOD. I chalk it up to pride because since I've been entrusted with setting up Mass every day, I didn't think this would be anything out of the ordinary. In fact, I must have assumed I'd be doing it every week. Thankfully, all it took was a little (or big, depending on how you look at it) shock to remind me that this isn't just fun and games. A priest can touch God because his hands have been consecrated to do so, because he has been set apart from the rest of us, and called to actually be God to people.

I never really thought about our chaplain saying that he wonders how he could possibly be worthy to consecrate the bread and wine into the Body and Blood of Christ, but now I sort of get it. To touch God is a colossal thing, and to be called not only to touch Him, but to make Him physically present is one of the most unimaginable honors a person could have. Having touched God without having been called by Him to do so cowed me in the most awful way. I couldn't even bring myself to think of what I'd done, the shame was immense. Only now can I see that this was God reminding me of who I am, and Who He Is. I am human, He is the awesome Creator, Sustainer, and Source of all life.