Victory in the Lord

Tonight I am more grateful for the love and mercy of God than I have ever been, save for the night of my reversion. In the words of Paul to the Romans, "For Christ, while we were still helpless, yet died at the appointed time for the ungodly. Indeed, only with difficulty does one die for a just person, though perhaps for a good person one might even find courage to die. But God proves His love for us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us." Christ has once again proved that love for me, through His priests and the sacrament of Confession.

Late last summer, some of you might recall that I was afraid that I might be in a state of mortal sin because of a Sunday Mass I missed, though I was later able to ascertain that I was not. For the past few days I have not been so lucky. I realized at the healing Mass I attended tonight that I was in a state of mortal sin, and had been for a few days. Praise be to God, I had not received the Eucharist since committing the sin, and was therefore not guilty of sacrilege, but it was a small comfort to me. I was mortified to realize that I had the sin on my soul, and I didn't receive the Eucharist tonight. I cannot accurately express the state of panicked distress I was in throughout the rest of the Mass, which was longer than usual because of the healing part.

The priest our chaplain brought in to do the healing has been a friend of his for some years, and is renowned in the Archdiocese of Washington for his gift of healing. I find him to be a kind and engaging man, not to mention holy, but having gone to another healing Mass this semester, I didn't expect wonders when I went up to him for healing tonight. The catcher (so called because he was there to catch anyone who fell during the healing prayers) stood behind me, but I certainly didn't think I would need his assistance. I was incorrect in that assumption, for as the priest blessed me and prayed over me, I felt myself falling back as if I weighed nothing at all, and I collapsed momentarily into the catcher's arms. In an instant of remarkable clarity, I realized not only how grave the sin on my soul was (as are all mortal sins), but how absolutely, completely ashamed I was of myself for committing it.

I hadn't even reached my seat before I started to cry. I was so upset at myself for what I had done, and begged God to take me back in spite of the fact that it was I who had willingly separated myself from Him. I thanked Him in advance for doing so, because I know that in His infinite mercy, He always takes back the repentant sinner. In my head, I did the only thing I could then think to do: I shouted as loud as I could at Satan to get away from me. I tried my best to make it clear as crystal that I don't want anything to do with him. I know that sin is difficult to avoid, but I want nothing to do with the being whose one purpose is to tempt me to throw away my salvation for worthless, momentary pleasure. I'm worth more than that, and Christ has already shown me that a thousand times over.

I waited anxiously after the Mass ended for our chaplain to finish greeting people so that I could confess, and I couldn't help tearing up, so desirous was I to rid myself of the sin on my soul. One of my friends who had experienced a great deal of healing with the other priest at Lourdes over the summer recommended that I go to him, as it would likely be faster. I rushed back into the sacristy to find him, and thankfully he acquiesced when I asked him if he would hear my Confession. I walked out into the sanctuary with him, we sat, I confessed. I had barely begun to confess my sins when I began to cry, and my words came out in short gasps between breaths. After he gave me my penance and some advice for avoiding the sin in the future, he prayed over me again, and sent me on my way.

As I was thinking about writing this post, something hit me about the timing of this sin and Confession. They came right after I was introduced to Josh Turner, whose breakout hit was a song called "Long Black Train". The song is about a long black train which snatches up souls who persist in sin on its journey to hell. The devil drives it, and is constantly tempting people to turn from God for the fleeting pleasures of this world. However, Turner points out that we choose to board the long black train, and that we can turn from our sin just as quickly as we can turn to it. As the chorus goes, "There's victory in the Lord, I say,/ Victory in the Lord/ Cling to the Father and His Holy Name,/ And don't go riding on that long black train." Coincidentally, the advice I was given to avoid my sin in the future was to cling to God and to the Blessed Mother, and believe me, that is exactly what I intend to do. That is also my advice to anyone reading this post tonight. Confess your sins, amend your life, and cling to the Lord and His most Blessed Mother to keep you out of sin in the future. The whole court of heaven will help you, because it is not the Lord's will "that one of these little ones be lost."

I am most profoundly grateful to God that He has once again forgiven me mortal sin and taken me back like the prodigal I am. Tonight was about healing and the peace of the Lord, and I have received that more times than I can count from a more gracious God than anyone could possibly know. I know tomorrow will be a new day, and that sin will come knocking bright and early, as it always does when one is resolved to send it packing, but I am determined to reject it as often as I am tempted by it. In the wise words of Josh Turner, I will cling to the Father and His Holy Name, and not go riding on that long black train.

By the way, it's a pretty catchy song, so here it is for your spiritual and listening pleasure: