I Know Only That He Leads Me

Here's the guest post I promised! Hope you like it!

“Ich weiß nicht, wohin Gott mich führt. Ich weiß nur, daß er mich führt.”

It was a hot August day on the Kahlenberg, high above the Vienna Woods, and I, newly minted college graduate in a buff-colored college shirt, had lost the trail somewhere in the forest. Perhaps Austria’s most charming Catholic tradition is the ubiquity of trail-side shrines and crucifixes, sometimes dedicated by local families or to the intercession of beloved saint. St. Florian is a perpetual favorite. They often have Gospel verses or poetry entreating the hiker to keep going. Hiking in the Alps is hard work! I sat down on a rock opposite a rough hewn wooden crucifix, dressed with summer flowers. Taking gulps from my water bottle, I ruminated on the incongruousness of the delicate white blossoms and the bloodied head of Christ on which some passing hiker had lain them. I looked into His face. He was thirsty too. There was a sun-bleached laminated paper pinned to the bottom of the Cross which read in faded blue ink: “Ich weiß nicht, wohin Gott mich führt. Ich weiß nur, daß er mich führt.” I don’t know where God leads me. I know only that he leads me. I chuckled to myself. I was lost too, and couldn’t find the red-white-red blazes on the trees that would lead me back to the right trail.

When I got back to my apartment at the end of the day I wrote those words, floating just below the surface of my thoughts all day, on a little sheet of paper and pinned them to the bulletin board above my desk. As the weeks passed, I often looked up at the note on the bulletin board and thought of that day on the Kahlenberg. I had worked so hard to get back to Vienna after an amazing study-abroad experience the year before, I had actually managed to get a job there, and I was back in my favorite place on Earth, ready for the Opera and the waltz balls and the fin-de-siecle cafes. But as the days passed, and the initial excitement receded, something felt off. The cafes were boring, the language tiresome, and the loneliness overpowering. Trouble negotiating with my employer about pay and other arrangements left me feeling angry and abandoned. But in my heart, I knew that was not the root problem. I had to admit that something about it was totally, sickeningly, and deeply wrong.

I don’t know where God leads me. I know only that he leads me. I began to wonder-- was I really on God’s path? Could I see where He was leading me? Had I really considered His will before I ended up in Vienna again? Did I have the faith to believe that He was leading me? I lay in the grass in the Volksgarten and stared at the sky and pondered. I stayed up all night talking to friends and family at home on Skype. I spent many hours praying in beautiful old churches, whose cold stone walls and gilt altarpieces and flickering candles echoed centuries of fervent whispers. It’s never easy to admit that maybe you were wrong about yourself and what you assumed was the obvious choice for you. It’s crushing to admit you just don’t know. As I boarded the plane to leave Vienna, I saw the red-white-red pattern emblazoned on the wing of the Austrian Airlines jet.

We often hear about the essential and unending task of discerning God’s vocation for us. God has not only given us life; he’s also given us the ability to make choices-- the ability to say “yes” to His will. If we know God doesn’t want us to steal, we won’t steal, and if we know God wants us to come to Mass every Sunday, we’ll be there. But what happens when the question is, “what does God want me to do with my life?”

Graduating from college brings a sudden terrifying urgency to the “what do I want to be when I grow up?” question. It is difficult and confusing for everyone. But we as Catholics have an ace up our sleeves-- our understanding that everybody in life has a unique and special vocation. Learning about your vocation in life influences how you will approach a job, a family, and serving God. They are all related.

I think we often assume we have a sufficient understanding of our vocation if we have discerned whether we are eventually destined for marriage or religious life. That’s clearly a very important piece of the puzzle, but in most cases that doesn’t necessarily help you figure out what happens on the day after Graduation Day. I remember feeling almost envious of some of my friends who entered the seminary after graduation because “they had it all figured out.” Aside from the fact that my friends’ discernment process certainly continued intensely after they entered the seminary, this argument is weak because it relieves the lay-person of an equally important responsibility to discern how God’s will affects him or her in a less obvious way. If you graduate like me, with a wonderful degree and lots of knowledge, but little understanding of how that translates into a job and the next step, start by letting go of your own assumptions and humbly asking God what He wants.

I think the number one mistake I made was thinking that something would just fall into place-- I worked hard in college and got good grades, so if God had a plan, he would make it obvious. We spend our lives from birth until the end of college on various clearly demarcated tracks, so why should we expect “real life” to be different? But God’s plans inevitably involve making choices, not simply following a sequence. God offers, but he never forces. I think if we start by following Our Lady’s example, we’re on the right path-- “Be it done unto me according to Thy will.” How has saying “yes” to God helped you get where you are today, and how can you keep saying “yes” to Him?

Think about your academic career-- Maybe you picked a major because it interested you, or because you were good at it. Saying “yes” to God means accepting your strengths and your weaknesses. God didn’t create all of us to be marketing assistants or paralegals. That’s not a bad thing. But it does means you probably shouldn’t apply to every single job posting you can find. Practically speaking, it’s too time-consuming and emotionally draining to apply to jobs you aren’t actually interested in. You are likely to feel exhausted and discouraged if you apply to dozens of “cookie-cutter” junior analyst jobs and never hear back from any of them, even if you didn’t really want those jobs anyway. Focus your efforts more on things you would actually want to do. Don’t assume you are setting your standards too high or being selfish. Every career field has an entry level, though you may need to do more research to find it. In mulling your options you might consider, “Why would God want me to do this work?” or “how will I use what God has given me to do this?” If you can’t answer those questions, keep looking.

In this economy there are many scams and many jobs designed to exploit desperate young job seekers. I’ve seen them, and even interviewed for some of them. But we have to remember that God gave each of us a vocation and we should never have to feel like “maybe this is the best I can get” or “I guess I deserve this for studying Dramatic Literature.” God’s plan isn’t necessarily the easy choice. This is the same God who asks us to take up our cross and follow Him! That doesn’t mean that things will work out immediately, of course. For things to work out, you need to define what “working out” means for you. But if that means you have to live at home (or with five roommates) and work in a coffee shop because it’s giving you the resources to keep looking for what’s truly right for you, then swallow your pride and do it. Failure is only giving up and assuming you can’t come to know some part of what God has intended for you. If you believe that God has a plan for you, and that God’s plan is the best plan, it’s definitely worth the time to think about it.

Most important decisions in life are complicated, but I’ve found that getting in the direction of an answer usually begins with simple “yes-or-no” questions. For instance: Do I feel called to Marriage? If yes, am I open to children? If yes, how will having a family impact the career fields I should consider? Or maybe: Am I willing to work unlimited hours for a job, even one I like? If no, what career tracks can I automatically disqualify? Most importantly, “All other things being equal, if I could do whatever I wanted, what would I find most satisfying?”

Shortly before I left Vienna, the director of the Institute where I was working took me out to lunch. He asked me, “What will you do when you go home?” and I didn’t have any idea. He asked me what I had studied in school, and I carried on for awhile with enthusiasm about early modern warfare and how interesting I thought it was. I jokingly remarked, “If being a professor wasn’t so impractical, that would be my dream job.” He smiled and told me that he felt the same way when he decided to undertake a PhD in musicology (extra credit points if you know what that is!). Now he’s married, has a son, conducts lectures around the world, and runs a study-abroad institute. “If you can identify what you want, you will find a way,” he said with a smile, “But I suspect you already know what you should be doing.”

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In September I’ll be attending the University of Saskatchewan to pursue a fully funded Master of Arts degree in 18th century British naval history.