However, since coming back to the faith and meeting a bunch of new males, I've had that aspect of my personality brought into rather harsh perspective, having been regularly teased that I was a man. I also had a couple of people tell me that my pushiness was exactly the reason why no man would be caught dead with me on his arm. It was a painful pill to swallow, but certainly not untrue. I attended a high school where the students were called "Lauralton Ladies", though most of us prided ourselves on how much like men we could act. It's not a good thing when it takes entering college to remind you that burping loudly is gross, and that the winter isn't really an acceptable excuse to only shave twice a month. I've been trying for a while to act just a little more lady-like, if for no other reason than not having to hear "Holy crap! That was you? I thought it was Father/Andrew/Michael/Dan/Ian/[insert post-adolescent male here]!"
In this never ending search to discover how to act like a grown up woman, I've been looking for any reading material that recommends how a proper lady should act. Rather surprisingly, I've found some of the most helpful information on websites devoted to chivalry or manhood. I was not surprised, sadly, to discover that I was not the only woman who didn't appreciate or react well to attempts at polite chivalry and gentlemanliness. If I've gleaned anything from all the research I've done on the subject, it's that chivalry isn't dead, and most people, it seems, don't want it to die. It just seems that we're letting a relatively few people keep beating up on chivalry, much to the detriment of the rest of us.
I don't want to see this happen, because I'm increasingly noticing that chivalry is a lot of reciprocity. If a man is willing to do something chivalrous for a woman, her reaction will often determine whether or not he continues to act in that way toward other women. If a woman demonstrates a willingness to accept chivalrous favors from men, they will be encouraged to act that way more often. Fortunately, the people of both sexes who are willing to do and accept gracefully chivalrous things are keeping the habit alive. That's fine for now, but I want to see it spread. I'd love to see more women smile kindly and thank men for being gentlemen to us, and I'd also love to see more men step up to the plate and be gentlemen, even in the face of criticism.
I think working in a service position has heightened my awareness of courtesy, and my appreciation for it. Having to be courteous to everyone, even the people who are annoyed at me or don't treat me courteously has made me much more aware of and thankful for the people who are willing to be polite to those who serve them. This was brought sharply to my attention as I was leaving work tonight, and a young man who had walked out the door ten feet ahead of me dashed back to the door as it was about to close, expressly for the purpose of holding it for me. I didn't know him, and he didn't know me, but the fact that he was willing to hold the door open for a restaurant employee said something about his character. When most people won't even look at you when you wish them a good night, you notice the ones who are extra polite for no reason.
So now for the fill in the blank portion of this post. I have a few questions that I want all of you to weigh in on in the comments:
- Do you think chivalry is dead? Would you personally like to see it go away, or start to thrive again?
- How were you raised in respect to chivalry?
- Girls: Were you taught not to accept help from men, or were you taught that men ought to act like gentlemen toward women?
- Guys: Were you taught that women no longer wanted this kind of behavior from you, or were you taught that you should always act like a gentleman?
- Is there a new kind of chivalry for our day and age, or should we be looking for the semblances of what we traditionally consider chivalry?
- Finally, do you agree with my assessment of chivalry, or have I missed the mark in some way?
Chivalry has faded in a lot of ways. I'm not going to say it's "dead." I think that in today's world we still have guys who look out for girls, and who are polite to them. Of course, there are also jerks who treat women badly. To announce it as "dead" is a step too far, though.
ReplyDeleteWe see things through a generational lense. So when you look at people our age, there is a lower rate of chivalry. But if you're around old guys, you see a lot more chivalry. The question in this case is this: Do we become more chivalrous (sp?) as we get older, or is it simply a generational difference?
Sometimes, though, it is important not to be "too chivalrous. In today's world, women are equal with men. And while we still view them with reverence and want to take care of them, we must recognize that they are capable of taking care of themselves, just like men are. However, we would all do well to realize that we act much better as a team than we do as individuals.
Call me old fashioned, but as a woman I do believe in chivalry. When a man opens a door for me or waits for me to walk through first, I don't interpret that as him assuming I'm somehow inferior to him or incapable of taking care of myself. I see it as him showing me respect, and when a man doesn't do this I see him as having poor manners. I believe in political and social equality as much as the next person...that doesn't mean I don't appreciate chivalry too.
ReplyDeletea. Honestly, I don't think chivalry ever "died", I just think it has diminished over time with the emphasis of "individualism" and similar movements of feminism and etc. that promote the thought that every man or woman can fend for themselves. Unfortunately, as these values are promoted as the norm in our culture, many young men have forgotten how to treat women with respect, and vice versa. (Although men are held to a double standard I'm sorry to say.) There are still men out there that practice chivalry, but they are just harder to find- girls, if you find one, consider yourself a very lucky person.
ReplyDeleteb. I remember when I first started dating my mom would always tell me "always let the man pay for the date"- so I was taught that men should act like gentlemen towards women. However, I was also taught not to be overly reliant on men because they can easily take advantage of you- as boys will always be boys, even if they're the nice ones. I unfortunately learned this lesson the hard way not just once, but three times. I think the key for girls is to find a guy who acts like a gentleman, but don't put yourself in a position where he can take advantage of you.
c. I think some principles of chivalry are timeless- i.e. holding the door, pulling the chair out, paying for the date. However, with developments in recent technology like the Internet and Facebook, there are some new ways in which chivalry is defined. For example, acknowledging someone's comments and ideas exchanged over the interweb in a respectful manner, not hanging up in the middle of a conversation- I think rules of "net etiquette" should apply in this case.
d. I think you hit the mark for the most part. Although you did say this was mean to be an "interactive" post, so I honestly think it's up to our generation as a whole how we define chivalry.
1.) chivalry is not dead. in fact, i go to school in a place where it is inherently alive. almost to the fact where it can border on prideful for men. girls rarely open doors where i am for most of the year, and if a guy sees you carrying something heavy he's bound to walk up to you and take it from you. he will walk you to your dorm at night and speaks a completely different lingo around you. AND thats not even when you are dating one! lol i have made some truly amazing guy friends from many of these simple favors! i too went to Lauralton and really struggled with a guy opening a door for me. imagine my pain when my boyfriend insists on opening a car door for me, carrying my backpack (even though i definitely can carry it all day), and never lets me pay for anything... even if it is just $1.79 for a side of fries.
ReplyDelete2.) was i raised in respect to chivalry? mmmm kinda. boys should treat girls with respect, but the role of woman has been so warped in the past years that i also had that pseudo femi-nazi attitude that i could live on my own, provide for myself and my family, and do anything just as well as, if not better then any man could ever do. (again part of that all girls school thing). on the plus side, i was uber confident in myself and my plans for my life. on the down side, i was always "one of the guys"- frisbee, 8 tacos with fire sauce and a baha blast.... you get the picture.
3.) i guess two kinda answers this one too. yes and no.
4.) i don't think there is a new type of chivalry. bottom line is this: if you wouldn't treat Our Lady like this, don't be treating any woman like this. (thanks to my amazing household brothers for this mentality, but what better way to view chivalry?! Mary is the ULTIMATE woman after all!)
5.) you've hit the mark. the biggest feat is the acceptance. EVERY guy secretly deep down wants to slay the dragon and get the girl. they are made for it. to provide and protect, to love and respect. they try to show it and girls deny them the small acts they want to do for you. in that denial, they realize that something didn't go right in that attempt... if women will accept the small things (holding open a door, buying $1.79 basket of fries) then the big things (no sex till marriage, learning to truly love another) will come much easier and will be a beautiful process.
thanks for posting this!!
pax et bonum