A Different Kind of Retreat, Indeed.

I went on retreat this weekend to the annual conference hosted by the Fellowship of Catholic University Students in Baltimore’s Inner Harbor. It was, objectively, a fantastic experience: Mass every day, intellectual speakers on a wide variety of subjects, fascinating keynote speeches, and the occasional praise and worship jam session. There was perpetual Adoration, and Confession was offered for hours on end the second night, to the point where the line wrapped around the hotel’s lobby in such a way that looking at it would make your head hurt. At least half a dozen religious orders had booths set up for twelve hundred college students to talk to them about their charisms, habits, hobbies, and a whole host of other things.

I entered into the conference somewhat hesitantly, as, I later found out, did most of us on the trip. To compound matters, I spoke to my ex-boyfriend there and was also holding onto problems I’ve been having with my parents, so that subjectively, conference seemed only so-so. I actually left thinking “Well doesn’t this just stink that I paid to come here, and had no spiritual movements or renewal or anything.”

Luckily, I spoke too soon, because Saturday night, something the keynote speaker said hit me over the head like a ton of bricks. He said that when he lost his son on a camping trip, he came to a lake in front of their campsite, and feared that any minute he would find his body floating in the water. In his panic and terrifying love for his son, he said to God “You’ve blessed me with so much in my life: a great family, a job I love, and more than I could ever have thought to ask for. Take it back Lord. Take it all back. Give me my son.” It made me think of my parents, and how I have almost come to the point where I’m ready to say the same thing: “Take back my blessings, Lord. Give me my parents.”

But I realized later that that was the incorrect prayer. I didn’t want to say “Take my progress, take my faith, take all the good I’ve done, and the friends I’ve made, and the love I’ve found in You- give me my parents,” I wanted to say, “Take control, give me patience. Take my comfort, give me crosses.” The same keynote speaker pointed out that God’s love for each of us is so terrifying that He became one of us in order to die on the Cross, just so that whenever we suffer, He can be there next to us crying out “Eli, eli, lemi sabacthani?” or, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” I remembered the popular colloquial saying that God doesn’t promise that there won’t be crosses, only that we’ll never have to carry them alone.

Do As You're Commanded

Most people don't know that the command that is given the most in the Bible is "Do not be afraid". But considering it is given usually when something important is happening, or regarding a matter of particular weight, it makes sense. When the angel appears to the shepherds to announce Jesus' birth, he tells them not to be afraid. When Jesus calls His apostles and when He rises from the dead, He says "Do not be afraid". In Revelation, when John sees Jesus and falls at his feet, He says to him "Do not be afraid". Clearly this is an important message, or it wouldn't appear so many times. In fact, "Do not be afraid" appears 67 times in the Bible- on average, almost once per book (or more than once, if it's a Protestant version).

This popped into my head because tonight I'm going to be reunited with many of my guy friends here at home when we all visit a friend who's restarted treatment for an inoperable brain tumor. I have a tiny bit of fear of how they'll react because I broke up with one of their number shortly before we all left for school, but that's not the big fear. The big fear is how they'll react to my faith. Having left them all an atheist, and coming back to them a Catholic, I'm not sure how they'll react. But it's more than that. I fought with one of the guys on facebook, and he decided he couldn't be friends with me anymore, and if any of the guys know about that, I'm afraid of how I'll be received.

It's not that I'm afraid of how much of the fight was my fault, because I know how much was my fault, and I accept that. What I'm afraid of is being rejected by these boys to whom I'd grown so close during my senior year and last summer. I know that if it came to a choice for them, there would be no choice at all. I'm not really one of their group, I entered it because I was dating one of them and just happened to become one of the group because I was a cool girlfriend. But as I was worrying my little head off about this, I remembered hearing that "Do not be afraid" is the most frequent command in the Bible.

Having gained an appreciation for the Book of Isaiah this Advent through daily Mass, I think it is fitting that the best citation for my situation is Isaiah 41:10
"...do not fear, for I am with you,
   do not be afraid, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
   I will uphold you with my victorious right hand." (NRSV)
It's not a promise that I'll be able to convince my friends that I'm not nuts or a bigot, or an assurance that they won't have heard about the fight earlier this year. It's not even hope that the guy I fought with won't be there. But it's all I really need: a reminder that God will be there with me to help me deal with whatever does happen. So I'll meet my friends tonight (whoever braves the snow), and I will do my best to do as God commands: I won't be afraid because God will strengthen me, help me, and uphold me with His victorious right hand. And really, what more could a girl ask for?

Lessons in Humanity

Wow. So I just learned a harsh and striking lesson in humanity. No really, I learned this lesson about five minutes ago. Granted, it might not seem big because I learned it on Facebook, but it's huge for me. Let me start with a little relevant background, and then I can delve into why it's germane to this blog.

For about five and a half months this year, I dated a very nice boy. He had a good family, he was a loyal friend, he went to church, and he was fifth in his class. On our first date (a while before he asked me out), he told me he was reticent to enter a relationship because he had just removed himself from a romantic situation with another girl who had been an on-and-off love interest for a few months. He told me she had anorexia, and that they had toyed with the idea of dating, which he very much wanted to do, but that in between her stays in inpatient therapy her father did not want her dating. As we got closer to each other, I learned more of this girl's story, and it became surprisingly easy to dislike her because of the effects her relationship with my ex had had on him. When I found out that his older sister was friends with this girl, I must have spluttered for a minute in disbelief. I looked her up on Facebook during our relationship, and it was even easier to dislike her when I saw that she was not classically pretty, and did not appear healthy.

But tonight I got a stunning wake up call that this girl is still human, and what's more, she is one of God's beloved daughters. I saw a video she made pop up in my news feed on Facebook, and out of curiosity I watched it. In the video, she addressed a person who had left a comment attacking her for her weight and/or appearance on her modeling website (she's an aspiring one, and she has wicked fashion sense). She mentioned that she knew that the person was one of her Facebook friends because almost all of her Facebook friends knew that extent of her medical issues, and she asked the commenter to own up to what they'd said so she could delete them as a friend and track their IP address to block it.

Toward the end of the video, she said something that melted my heart to nothing. She said "Yeah, I'm twenty years old, and I'm dying." Throughout all the time I was off dating a boy she'd liked, feeling superior because I was healthy and she wasn't, I forgot to remember for even a second that she is a human being, and one loved more than anything by God. Matthew 7:1 says, "Do not judge, so that you may not be judged..." (NRSV), and in several selections of accompanying exegetical notes it is mentioned that this verse does not mean judicial judgement or forming opinions of people, but rather, hastily and rashly judging a person out of superiority and ignorance. And that's exactly what I did. I didn't know what she was going through or how hard her life must have been- all I "knew" was that she had hurt my ex, and therefore she was unworthy of any more generous opinion than the one I had already formed.

I feel awful for what I've thought and said about this girl in the past year or so, and I'll probably never meet her, so I won't be able to make it up to her. However, this is definitely something I'm going to pray over and take to Confession, and thankfully, something I will be able to atone for sacramentally. I hope the coming year brings the ability for me to right more wrongs of this sort, and that it also brings some healing and health for this girl, who is, after all, my sister in Christ.

Amazing Graces

I'm finally back home for Christmas break at the end of the semester, and apart from being very thankful that it's over, I've spent a healthy part of the last few days reviewing it in my mind. In the past four months, I have made a remarkable change in my life after coming back to Catholicism, and to the naked eye I have become, for lack of a better word, better. This is not to say that I have not improved my life, because I certainly have, but during those moments when I am given to introspection I wonder how much I have done so. While I understand fully that no person can or will stop sinning, it frustrates me that some personal improvements still prove to be elusive.

James 4:8 was brought to my attention today, and it made me think specifically of one of my current struggles, as well as something a friend told me, which I did not understand until very recently. With regards to the verse, it reads: "Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded" (NRSV). The particular struggle this brings to mind is my fight with pride, and my attempts to obtain both humility and obedience.

During a slightly trying social incident earlier this year, I confided to a friend the consternation it caused me, and he merely replied that obedience was an amazing grace. I wasn't exactly sure what to make of the remark, so I told him I agreed and then I filed it into my mental rolodex of non-sequiturs. It was not until later on, when that incident saw its resolution in front of me, did I realize what he had meant. It wasn't about blindly obeying the will of the people making the decisions, it was about realizing that no matter my opinions or feelings (because they certainly carried no weight in the situation, as was fitting), the entire situation was about taking a step back from myself and realizing that it wasn't about me at all. The whole point was obeying the decision-makers for the good of everyone who would be effected by their decisions, and accepting their will over my own.

It was an eye-opening moment when, as I sat there half engaged in my surroundings, I felt something akin to a mixture of sorrow and peace. Sorrow, I suppose, as I swallowed my reservations and considerable pride, and peace in the knowledge that the humility and obedience were great graces which I was receiving then. Unfortunately, though it has been etched into my mind from then, it has not been a reaction I've managed to duplicate in other situations. Since I haven't been praying for these graces as fervently as I want them, and since I haven't managed to come up with any New Year's resolutions, I imagine that will become the first: to pray to receive the graces I desire (especially humility and obedience), and to duplicate those graces in situations that call for them. I've managed to keep this year's resolution, so I'm hopeful that in 2011 I'll be able to obtain a few of God's amazing graces (pun intended).

Just the First of Many

I have no idea what to write here, because I decided to create this blog completely on the fly. In time, I suppose I'll start posting Biblical reflections, reflections on Catholicism, my eventual discernment process, and any other faith-related matter that it occurs to me to post. It will primarily function as a way for me to get all my thoughts out, but if anyone follows and comments, I will certainly welcome the interaction.