Amazing Graces

I'm finally back home for Christmas break at the end of the semester, and apart from being very thankful that it's over, I've spent a healthy part of the last few days reviewing it in my mind. In the past four months, I have made a remarkable change in my life after coming back to Catholicism, and to the naked eye I have become, for lack of a better word, better. This is not to say that I have not improved my life, because I certainly have, but during those moments when I am given to introspection I wonder how much I have done so. While I understand fully that no person can or will stop sinning, it frustrates me that some personal improvements still prove to be elusive.

James 4:8 was brought to my attention today, and it made me think specifically of one of my current struggles, as well as something a friend told me, which I did not understand until very recently. With regards to the verse, it reads: "Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded" (NRSV). The particular struggle this brings to mind is my fight with pride, and my attempts to obtain both humility and obedience.

During a slightly trying social incident earlier this year, I confided to a friend the consternation it caused me, and he merely replied that obedience was an amazing grace. I wasn't exactly sure what to make of the remark, so I told him I agreed and then I filed it into my mental rolodex of non-sequiturs. It was not until later on, when that incident saw its resolution in front of me, did I realize what he had meant. It wasn't about blindly obeying the will of the people making the decisions, it was about realizing that no matter my opinions or feelings (because they certainly carried no weight in the situation, as was fitting), the entire situation was about taking a step back from myself and realizing that it wasn't about me at all. The whole point was obeying the decision-makers for the good of everyone who would be effected by their decisions, and accepting their will over my own.

It was an eye-opening moment when, as I sat there half engaged in my surroundings, I felt something akin to a mixture of sorrow and peace. Sorrow, I suppose, as I swallowed my reservations and considerable pride, and peace in the knowledge that the humility and obedience were great graces which I was receiving then. Unfortunately, though it has been etched into my mind from then, it has not been a reaction I've managed to duplicate in other situations. Since I haven't been praying for these graces as fervently as I want them, and since I haven't managed to come up with any New Year's resolutions, I imagine that will become the first: to pray to receive the graces I desire (especially humility and obedience), and to duplicate those graces in situations that call for them. I've managed to keep this year's resolution, so I'm hopeful that in 2011 I'll be able to obtain a few of God's amazing graces (pun intended).